hello! i’ve restarted this blog three times throughout the past two years. you can find two intros below: one from my previous blog and another from my previous previous blog. hehe… ☺️
i haven’t reread both but i’ve decided that HEY have i mentioned that this is my third time restarting this blog? can you please read the next 500-ish words and tell me which part is the most embarrassing?
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(03/04/24, ??:?? WIB)
intro to my previous blog that i wrote after two
bottles of soju and yes I was kinda drunk and yes I did edit the whole thing the morning after so I really don’t know why I thought it was okay to hit ‘Publish’. and I’m sorry that you’re about to read a bunch of nonsense and I’m sorry that I feel sorry at all.
I’ve decided that I want to keep this somewhere so let’s just laugh at it (at me?) together 🥰
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(20/02/23 , 23:25 WIB)
ok, i’ll go first
A couple of years ago, I fell out of love with everything I had. Actually, scratch that. I fell out of love with the two things that I strongly held on to: my (romantic) relationship and writing.
There’s nothing I can do about said relationship. I wanted out and so I did. But with writing… tsk. It’s the only thing that’s keeping me alive (not joking!).
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There’s nothing more I hate than being vulnerable. One wall is enough, why should I break down all four? Simultaneously, though, I… really don’t like it when people perceive me the wrong way (I’ve made myself the way I am for certain, specific, well-crafted reasons. Life needs a bit of calculation and so I started with something—someone—I’m most familiar with: Me! Honestly, I don’t get how you can’t see me the way I see myself?).
It’s very complicated.
But unlike other relationships (not just people! Hobbies count, BTW), writing has never done anything inherently bad to me. It depends on your stance re: codependency: Do you think it’s bad? But I have no bad blood with letting my thoughts flow through written words 🙂 Again, if anything, it’s what’s keeping me alive! If I don’t write I’ll burst into flames.
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I’m a water sign but my chart is 70% fire. My sensibility keeps losing to my ego. I wanna say it’s ‘whatever’ but honestly it sucks so, so bad. I have so many things I want to say and so many things I want to clear up but I really just… truly hate putting myself out there. It’s insanely scary. And, again, complicated!
Truthfully, there’s no right time for anything. And truthfully, I’m half drunk. It’s Monday, I think? I don’t know how I got here (but more on that later, I guess). And while we’re playing truth or truth: Last year my tarot reader said that I need to put myself out there and my throat chakra is the best way to do it. Throat = speaking (if I’m not mistaken). She said I don’t have to use my voice in the literal sense—I can do it in any way I know best. As long as I ‘speak up’.
If you’ve gotten to this point, you can probably tell that I’m a very, very lost puppy. And if you agree, then you’re wrong. I’m more of a cat, actually. The lost part is true, though.
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If I don’t write, I’ll burst into flames. Obviously, that’s not entirely true. But this isn’t: I’ll hate myself forever if I don’t get enough attention in this lifetime. I wanna convince myself that this is all nothing to me but I can’t. I’ve lived with myself five years too long to deny that.
– S.N.
breaking my spine 