thinking of trying

(16/06/25, 22:08 WIB)

It feels weird to put in even the slightest amount of effort and how much it’s been occupying my brain feels even weirder. Even the sliiightest amount.

Constantly seeing everyone doing everything, on a daily basis… At this point I should be immune to it. I, too, grew up being seen. By friends, family, relatives, acquaintances, colleagues, random accounts from bumfuck nowhere, etc. And I know it’s not anxiety. If anything, I got 10x better at handling the fact that I’m just… out there, even when physically I’m not. I used to work for jobs where the doors to perception was wide, wide open and even compared to that, I’m now much more comfortable in just being.

As I grow older I’ve become more calculating. Please bear with me—I’m dumping everything as I’m writing all of this. As I grow older I’ve become more calculating, more strategic, I weigh every aspect of my actions wayyy more. To put it simply, I’m more responsible (arguably).

The root cause isn’t about being perceived. I got over how many versions of Me there are based on first impressions and stories from friends of friends and so on and so forth. It feels weird—yucky even— to try because trying requires a lot. A lot of time, a lot of energy, a lot of errors. That + being watched trying = gross. And if you really wanna try, you really gotta commit. I don’t know what’s the more embarrassing part about committing; having faith in your effort or the inevitable chance of failing. It’s like your birthday, you know? No one’s gonna care if you yourself don’t celebrate it. And they’re not responsible for making it festive—it has to be 100% from you. So in the act of trying, you have to make it a big deal—big enough to convince. And then there’s that inevitable chance of failing.

It’s cool to not care and I get why. If you never really cared—just letting things flow—failures won’t feel as such and wins seem like luck. When you lower your expectations it’s easier to see the good. Did you actually barely do anything and yet receive more than what you give? How lucky.

What’s the point of rambling when take it one day at a time exists? I get consumed by everything / I consume everything. That’s exactly it.

— S. N.