(25/05/25, ??:?? WIB)
What a week I just had… What a surreal week it was… Two of my best friends had their lives changed; ██’s █ passed away, the day before ██’s wedding. And most importantly, I am a friend.
We gathered for both—the funeral and the wedding—and ██, ██, ██, and I finally caught up after countless delays and cancellations. It was nice. With that said, it was at a funeral. Most importantly, I am a friend.
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You have to juggle everything and not all close friends are close by proximity—they’re close due to the many hours spent together—by the memories shared. And hangouts turn into catchups. I actually dislike catching up, though. Not the activity, but the… idea of it? Of recapping rather than making new memories. I wonder how many hours I’ve spent just doing recaps with friends… My boyfriend said I can now make new memories with him! Which I 100% look forward to, but there’s something, for a lack of a better word, aging about it.
Is it because the offer felt so much like settling down? I don’t think so… I think it’s because making memories with a partner is totally expected. If you gotta catchup that much without a long distance, what have you guys been doing? And while writing this I’m slowly realizing that maybe, maybe, I expect the same from my friendships. If all we do is catchup, what have we been doing? Have we even been doing things together? Are we now like… a manager and their employee doing weekly syncs? Or a shrink and their patient doing monthly sessions? I know I’m thinking too much about it but I just don’t like catching up—the idea and what the activity conveys.
I am selfish and I’d like to spend more waking hours doing new things and habitual things with my friends. When they can. And when I can. But can we? Can we clear our schedules just like… throwing everything to the side, clearing our desks?
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I met so many familiar faces at ██’s wedding and that made me happy! I wanted to say hi to all of them, which I actually did half drunk. I hope to be able to do more of that sober. ██ also met his friends and ██’s friends and my friends ☺️ That made me very happy.
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Endings and beginnings…
There’s so much in this world yet I’m only one person. I’m stuck because I want to do everything.
— S. N.
breaking my spine 