(18/08/25, 20:09 WIB)
This happened last year, in 2024.
—
Rocky. Just like any other girl with their mother.
We had a huge fight in May—one of our biggest fights to date—and my world crumbled down and I started hating going home. I’ve always hated going home, as much as I love my bedroom, because then I’d be stuck with myself. I can’t stand that, at least not most times. May was different because my mom confessed that she’d always had a weird feeling about me—I have something, she said. My messy, chaotic room had been untouched for three years and everything kept piling up (I’m quite the hoarder). Everything was dusty. She didn’t even want to enter my room because she’s allergic to dust. I can’t sleep and when I do it’s too much. My highs are so high and my lows are so low. I have very little self control. She wasn’t sure what it was but she had a feeling that there’s something in me. The intuition was strong and she’d had it for a long while yet she did nothing about it, so I’d been suffering both in silence and from her silence. She’d been in denial. She said her plate was full. All her time and energy were already spent for my brother and she couldn’t handle another one. I’m supposed to just be the glass child.
May passed. Then came June. And then July. For three months I’d been coming home to the enemy’s lair. For three months and for years leading up to it I tried to understand her as a woman instead of a mother. Just like any other girl.
I promised her a quick getaway as her birthday present but due to May it got delayed. I want to tell you how I got over the fight but at one point I got tired of being angry and I was also angry because of the thing with ██ and I was just so… drained. I couldn’t even out my emotions and I saw no point in doing so. I wanted to feel everything but I got exhausted. It’s such a shame that guys and dating and romantic relationships (or the possibility of one) are my main triggers 🥱 With that said, not a day passed by where I stopped trying to understand my mom. And I didn’t (and still don’t) 100% but I so badly wanted to (and I still want to). We ended up taking the trip in November.
I picked Pulau Payung, Kepulauan Seribu because it’s 1) Within my budget, 2) Easy to access from Jakarta, and 3) We both like the beach. We stayed at Asha Resort for three days and two nights. Nothing bad happened.
I expected some sort of a deep, emotional talk during the trip but thankfully I didn’t encounter any. I’d braced myself before the trip, now happy to say that I left the island with a sigh of relief and a clearer head. Turns out I wasn’t ready for it.
What’s important is that we both had a nice time! Each of us brought our own books and did some reading by the beach, on the hammock, in our room, at the restaurant. I biked A LOT. I love biking. I love controlling speed and being in charge of how fast I can go. Plus, I got to do so with nice air and a great view! We also did canoeing, which reminded my mom of her childhood days, and also snorkeling, which reminded me that we’re both Pisces.
For a moment I forgot about our fight. I wanted to move past it, that’s the whole point. I wanted for us to be able to be secluded—just the two of us—without quarreling. I desperately wanted my mother and I to at least take a step towards mending our relationship. Emphasis on a step. This was a small effort but I believe we can at least be okay with each other. I believe that one day I can finally walk into a room with only her in it, and don’t feel heat. This is enough for now.
Pictures taken by me using Kodak Sport Underwater Disposable Camera, developed at (Lab) Rana Jakarta.
— S. N.
breaking my spine 