all i ever think about

(10/07/2022, 20:23 WIB)

25 is such a weird age.

You're too old but really, you're not. You're still young but not young enough to be considered youth. You're expected to be mature and responsible, but still young enough to get a pass for doing reckless shit. Do something insanely dumb and 30-somethings would just say, "Oh, they're still 25. Makes sense." Though 18-23 year olds would say, "You're already 25. How the fuck/Why they fuck would you have done that?". You get a pass for everything, really.

You're basically available to everyone.

You'd attract early 20s because they seek maturity, stability. You'd attract early 30s and late 20s because you're young and fun and up for anything. All three groups expect you to be experienced enough. Chances are you're not a virgin, and you still have the energy needed. Maybe more. Throw in a bit of kinky stuff and watch yourself become a crowd pleaser.

You're exciting for everyone and they stick with you—or at least are drawn towards you—for that exact reason. So it destroys you little by little. But what is it that you actually gain from them, emotionally?

You fell wanted. You feel youthful. You feel useful.

But what do you actually want for yourself?

My personal answer: The freedom of early 30s/late 20s, the opportunities of early 20s. I want to be able to do anything and everything and have more chances to do anything and everything. I want to be all three and also none of them. I don't know what I want to be. Or where I should be. Or what I am. Because I can be anything and everything at this point and it's frustrating, because I have to pick at least one thing to focus on, right? Something to focus my time, money, and energy on. That would set the structure of what and how my 30s would be.

I don't get why I'm technically living my adulthood period because 20-25 isn't adulthood at all! I don't know at what point I should become—or at least act like, or at least be perceived as—an adult. Because we constantly change and the world does too so like... IDK! Is this a race? You and Me Against the World? Why are we on a race when none of us will win anyway and even if we do, at the end of the day, do you have your answers prepared when "Are you happy?" slaps you right across your face?

TL;DR: When you're 25 you get a pass to nearly everything and it frustrates me.

— S. N.