ga jodoh

(05/06/2024, 23:12 WIB)

I promised myself not to post anything that 1) I had recently just written (too impulsive) or 2) Contains anything that I haven't fully processed yet (way too impulsive). But I'm so tired.

A few questions before I start:

1. Have you ever commuted in Jakarta using public transportation? I do that every day. It's not the best option but I'm used to it.

2. Have you ever seen my eye bags? I'm not a morning person and I have chronic insomnia and I was prescribed meds for it and I rarely use concealer to cover them.

3. Do I have time? Well, that depends. I work from 09.45 to 18.30 WIB on weekdays but I'm all yours out of those hours. 

4. Are psychiatrists allowed to be late—an hour late—to their appointments? Apparently, yes.

Lucky for her I still have the will to live. At least for today.

I hate hospitals and clinics and no it's not because my mother was a dentist. I hate that I have to go twice a month and now they want me to go more often. Fine. I'm the one who wants to get better. I need to get better.

And I hate that I'm on Day 2 of my period and on zero caffeine and my fear of abandonment is at an all-time high and I can't believe people have... exes? And I had to report to my manager to go to this appointment and I didn't like doing that because I've been in trouble for coming in too late too often and I'm not a fan of this lady's schedule. Nothing was available out of my office hours like are you kidding me?

And I hate that when they checked my blood pressure it was too high and I hate how weirdly, insanely, uncontrollably anxious I was and I was grinding my teeth too much I should've made an ASMR video of it. And I hate that I tried to calm myself down by thinking of ██ like OK genius! Now your heart is beating ten times faster. And then the tiny screen on the scale said '46.6' and I wish I could go back in time and grab my 14-year-old self by her hair and pull it so hard. Why were you hugging the toilet like that? And I hate, hate filling out the little suicidal/self-harm risk questionnaire sheet that they gave me. And I hate not being able to lie and I hate how wobbly my check marks turned out. And why was the room in the pediatrist section? There's too much noise and movement and I'm about to pass out. And I haven't had any coffee.

And I hate the waiting game. By the time it was 10.29 WIB and the lady didn't show up I got up and left. I didn't even say anything to anyone I just walked out the door and went straight to the elevator. I decided that I'd rather attend a meeting because if I didn't, I'd have to text my manager and tell her that I'd have to sit this one out because my new psychiatrist was running late. And I didn't have the energy to do that. And I didn't want to be a burden. And I haven't had any coffee. And I was so sad and super angry I need to work to get over this.

And now I have to do everything all over again. Find a new psychiatrist (one that is covered by the health insurance from work, preferably), book an appointment, anxiously wait until D-Day, anxiously wait in the waiting room, avoid eye contact as I tell them I can't sleep, I can't eat, I have mood swings all the time blablabla I might have borderline blablabla mommy issues blablabla when I catch feelings I wanna die blablabla...

If I promise I won't abuse my meds, will I finally meet a psychiatrist that fits me?

And did I tell you that turns out, my health insurance no longer accept cashless claim from this hospital? OK well they should've told me that a week ago. Now I've wasted so much time and energy over nothing and I tried not to cry on the Gojek ride to work and also in the office toilet during lunch time and also on the bus ride home. And as I'm writing this I can't even cry. I don't know how to cry, because I've suppressed those feelings the entire day and now I don't know how to process them anymore.

And now I want to die. And talk to ██. And bang both of my ████ head against each other because how could you do this to me? I want to talk to ██.

I'm so tired I'm so tired I'm so tired can you please tell me that this will all be worth it?

— S. N.